remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
