i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
