Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize