Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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