you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
