Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize