the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
