you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Randomize
