glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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