I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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