last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
