brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
