Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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