He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
