It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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