I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
