i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Green mimosas i think yes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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