Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
