dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
