OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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