YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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