I met the friendliest cop last night
We named our party play list daddy issues
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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