3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
time to smoke my breakfast
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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