Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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