when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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