my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
