So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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