So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
