I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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