what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
