Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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