3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
