Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize