I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize