and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
