Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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