the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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