my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
