someone threw a dead crab at me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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