you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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