when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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