I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
