dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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