Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize