The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I just put wine in my tea
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
