I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
