it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
