He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
