bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
