woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
