3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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