Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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