new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize