I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
