maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
