found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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