You're my little dorito
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize