i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
